ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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