I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
not ubering you a puppy
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
