I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
