So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I fill condoms, not promises.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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