I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
