Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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