Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
