just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
