So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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