...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
