you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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