I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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