Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
