Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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