Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
