my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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