the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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