Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
