The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
did i walk over a car last night?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Damn victory sex feels great
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
