I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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