if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
