The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just invented taco cereal.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
