she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's just like the Real World with babies
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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