The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
