Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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