Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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