Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
