Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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