Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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