Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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