I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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