Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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