I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
