It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
