i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
ok first of all what the fuck
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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