Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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