**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
