I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
