Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
