I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We need to rekindle our bromance
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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