Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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