Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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