After last night, I could never be a politician.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
