I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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