omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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