WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
