i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
