I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
