Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
