Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
