I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
