After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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