watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
