So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I know her cup size but not her name....
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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