Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
please come you make the beer taste better
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize