if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
